As of now I am currently 30 weeks pregnant. Last week I received some rather disturbing news. Flashback: about 2 weeks ago I started itching uncontrollably... I literally could not stop the itchiness... I called my ob and was told to have a liver panel blood test done to check to see if I had possible cholestasis of pregnancy. Results came back that day and I had extremely elevated ALT and AST levels of my liver enzymes.. Being that I have a medical background I knew that this wasn't a good sign. My ob called me the following day and confirmed my suspicions, she mentioned that because my enzyme levels were so high that I could possibly have fatty liver of pregnancy. This is an extremely serious ailment. If it is confirmed I am to be induced right away. She told me she had put a rush order in for a liver ultrasound. Three freaking days later they call me to schedule it. Some rush order! I had my ultrasound last Friday and was told it would take 7-10 days to get the results... Here it is Wednesday and still no results.. I know it hasn't been 7 days, but seriously why is it taking so long?
I have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since finding out this possibility. I try to keep myself as busy as I can, but all of a sudden I just break down everyday and start weeping uncontrollably. My poor husband looks drained from dealing with my emotions and his own. I feel horrible that he is having to bear this burden with me, but I am thankful in a way to just not be alone. I'm scared to death that things aren't going to go well... But I am ever hopeful. There is still so much to be done, it is crazy to think about all the diaper prepping and baby laundry that I have to get ready. My animals can sense that I am stressed for sure. They are all sticking right by me, especially Paws. He seems very attentive to my every move. I just hope that they don't sense something IS really wrong physiologically with me or the baby.
I've been going through this period of self doubt lately. Mostly I just think about how maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't be a mother. My body obviously doesn't agree with the pregnancy hormones that much I am sure of. I still have daily, horrible nausea.. It has never ceased, only gotten worse. I feel at a loss. I don't want to talk to my husband about it because I don't want to upset him too. I'm seriously feeling broken and alone. This little life inside of me is my only solace, but I just worry that it is not meant to be. I'm truly scared to death for the first time in my life. I feel out of control and uncertain. I also feel very unattractive to my husband and just long to be held by him. Maybe these are just the hormones talking, but I need to be loved.
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